Blackwolf Baby

this is a preview of the project i am currently slaving over. i don't know when it will be done or what it will look like when it is, but here's something. 

**

I lost a child. My uterus contracted in the middle of taking food orders from a group of middle-aged women. They all smiled sweetly while popping one-dollar bills into my Halloween themed Count Dracula tip jar. My body was attacking itself, the crotch of my pants slowly being saturated with dark blood. A stabbing pain and then a pull like a hook attached to the string of my unwanted pregnancy.

I grimaced, smiled softly, “Thanks, ladies. Have a wonderful day.” I wondered, then, if any of them had ever lost a child and if they could read it on my face. I could feel my skin losing its color. My body began to feel light. If they knew, would they have tipped me more?

I walked home after cleaning up my mess of blood and apathy. With the gift of a muscle relaxer hidden in my sleeve pocket I felt lost. I walked these streets every day and suddenly had no idea where I was.

Home, I took my pill. I filled the bath with Epsom salts and my own hot tears.

My uterus contracted again as I submerged my naked body into the steam.

“Intention is everything, baby girl. Everything will be okay. I love you.”

I lowered my body until the water covered my hears. Bonnie’s voice was there, as I knew it would be. “Just let go.” I smiled, and as my body released the last of its broken insides, I relaxed. The muscle relaxer had finally set in.

New Day

I dig my hands into the ground, fill my fists with earth. Mud, grass, rotten fruit, broken egg shells. Real earth stuffed itself under my fingernails while my ear pressed upon your chest. “I love you. I really truly love you.” The words escape despite my lasting efforts to diminish them. Wipe them from my vocabulary. Those words hold so much power, like the fertile soil I grasp, they can change lives, grow things, also kill. Too much fertilizer suffocates the seedlings. Words as strong as these can easily suffocate and kill. “I really truly love you. I mean it . and it scares the shit out of me.” You pull away from me, take my hands out of their earthly resting place, and kiss them. The dirt dusts your lips, earth speaking through you. “I can’t. I’m sorry. Its too much.” The fertile earth has suffocated me. Taken my ability to breathe and move. I am stuck in sludge and I don’t care to leave it. I would fill my nose and ears and eyes with it if it meant I’d never have to hear your apologies ever again. If it meant I never had to smell your sense of guilty regret. See your eyes and know how many times they were so dishonest. “I love you. I love you. Good bye.” I dig my hands back into the earth and I am enveloped completely, finally, one with the grass. I am a seedling. I will grow into truth shaped like a weeping willow. I will sprout love